Today, I asked a 4 year old if she had a good day at school. She paused, looked up at me and said, “No I didn’t.” Before I could ask her to share with me what happened, she paused again, and said, “I don’t want to tell you about it, because it’s really bad.” Then she turned and ran away. I, of course, paused, laughed and walked away. As I got into my vehicle, I began to ponder over what this little child had just told me. Even at such a young age she has already conditioned herself to avoid ‘difficult conversations’ that would make her feel uncomfortable. I often premise before sharing certain feelings and information with others that, “I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with you.” Then I began my rant of information, feelings, frustrations or data that may not be considered ideal for him or her to hear.
As I continued to ponder how much people escape into the blatant avoidance of uncomfortable conversations, I was reminded of Detective Mark Furman who when asked an uncomfortable question while under oath during the O.J. Simpson trial in the late 1990’s, chose to use his 5th amendment privileges.
How many times do we rob individuals in our lives of the uncomfortable truths they NEED to know about themselves or about us?
How many people are out there living a lie in their business, relationships and marriages, because they do not want to ever have, or initiate, an uncomfortable conversation. We plead the 5th in every difficult situation we encounter with false statements like, “Oh, it’s nothing.” “I’m okay.” “Whatever you want to do is fine with me.”
Maybe you are type of person who avoids conflict at all costs. Even at the cost of your dignity, peace of mind, or rights of respect, you allow the problem to live and multiply, just to avoid feeling a little awkward for a few seconds or minutes. The simple truth is that conflict is temporary, but still people run from it like a visit to the dentist or the family doctor. If the person on the receiving end cannot handle your truth without melting down or blowing up, then maybe you need to consider if this person is strong enough to be a permanent part your circle.
“Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” Proverbs 27:17
If you find yourself around individuals who cannot handle uncomfortable conversations or conflict of any kind, the question must be asked, “Does this person, whom I have allowed to be a part of my life, have an iron or plastic mentality?” Plastic cannot sharpen anything, while iron, even though it may scratch and be abrasive at times, is strong enough to sharpen whatever element it creates friction with, as long as that element is strong enough to handle the discomfort and benefit of iron’s contact. I believe in reciprocity in any relationship I am a part of. It is my belief that, I must ‘get’ what I ‘give’ for the relationship to function properly. The reciprocity may not always be apples for apples, but at the end of the day I should not be left feeling like I gave iron and received plastic.
Balance is so important and the only way to truly stay balanced and exist in ‘functional’ harmony with another human being is to communicate. Communication may not always be pleasant, but honest communication is a vital component to the survival of any relationship.
Never be the person who holds it all in, becomes physically ill, bitter, depressed or mentally homicidal because you refuse to address problems in their beginning stages. Use your voice! Convey your thoughts and do not let the possible negative reaction of the individual you are addressing discourage you from sharing your feelings.
Remember, uncomfortable conversations are a necessary part of life and the quicker you get them over with, the better your quality of living will become and the less negativity you will have to deal with within yourself.
Have that uncomfortable conversation, and set yourself free!
